Thursday, February 16, 2017

How Bear occurs to me at 17yrs old

Bear is 17!!! (ok.. so I am 2 weeks late!)

This is my " easy " child . Trust me if you meet him you may not think he is so easy at all ( very very hard headed and strong willed and debating all the time ) but to me .... He is a dreamboat 

At 17 bear occurs to me in the following ways 

  • and unbelievable committed student . He is often found studying all day long and all evening long even in Saturday nights . Never ever ever do we push him in this way . This is just him . And his marks show it. He has an amazing average already and he continually strives to make it better and better which amazes us all 

  • I love looking at his desk and the way he organizes himself . Everything so perfect and lined up and tagged with his name and clean . When it comes to schoolwork there is no joking around for this kid 

  • From the above you may assume he is the more brainy type with peers . Not at all . Athletic and involved and implicated and big social life 

  • he is kind and gentle . He loves children and is amazing with all his little cousins . He is generous of spirit and always asks my mom if she needs help and what he can do for her etc 
  • he cares about his looks and is gorgeous . Dresses well and cares about style and his hair and his overall look is always pretty impeccable 

  • he is totally eccentric . From day he was born makes strange sounds always and strange body movements and somehow everyone around him has come to expect it and just kinda ignores it . My mom adores it and joins in !

  • his work ethic is  A plus . Always on top of his work as ski instructor and lifeguard and always on time and plans for future and totally independent 

  • he is an athlete . Top of his class for sports program for 5 yrs now and good at anything physical . A natural team leader in sports 

  • is an amazing guy to girls .So kind and sweet and considerate and loving and FUN . Whoever dates and one day Marries this guy one day is so so so so lucky . 

  • he is so incredibly hard headed and a debater and in your face . It is almost a joke in our family . So many interactions with him feel like we are in court . For now funny as hardly any rules ! And it's not rules he disagree with but facts . He always has to be right under any circumstance . It's truly annoying 

  • he is very often quite emotionally intelligent . He can have difficult conversations  and honest ones . He is sensitive to feelings and deals with anger and sadness and guilt etc in healthy ways 

  • he walks out of the room for a break when discussions get heated between he and I and it drives me crazy ( but is the right thing to do ! ) 

  • he loves his food . We went on a date the other night for burritos and caramel churros and all we speak about it how incredible the food is . We agree this is one of life's biggest pleasures . He eats anything and everything 

  • When he says he will do something he does it . Has completely changed his body and religiously finds time for his workouts at the gym no matter what 

  • he is growing up :( orders coffee now at Tim's  . Yikes !

  • he is honest and tells it like it is to his parents and tells the Truth as much as we may not be ready for it 

  • he is an incredible brother and just is so wonderful with his brother and sister and such a great role model too 

  • he is affectionate and loving with his parents . In general so respectful of us ( I said in general !! ) and listens to our rules and lifestyle and when disagrees fights it out very loudly . He always has great points though and hard not to negotiate with him as such a logical and rational brain 

  • he knows what he wants in life and does it . Since 5 yrs old always wanted to be an orthodontist or dentist . Now maybe a lawyer or in business or teacher . I have no worries this kid will find his way and do what he loves whatever that is . He is a driver 

  • he is a great car driver and had had his permit for 9 months now and will get the real thing i. April hopefully 

Just overall an amazing wonderful teen that is the love of all our lives . He truly makes being a parent rewarding and wonderful and easy !!

Wednesday, February 08, 2017

Mommy is Safe

My Mama Bear is safely out of surgery a couple of hrs ago . I can breathe ....

Paratoid surgery to remove a growing Tumor . Something unexpected and completely unrelated to all of her other head , stomach and overall arthritis chronic pain conditions . I guess the universe felt she didn't have enough to handle ?

The important risk of this surgery was facial paralysis which can happen in up to 25 percent of patients either temporarily or even permanently . But this did not happen to her - thank goodness 

Surgery was delayed by almost 4 hrs . So lots of waiting and then me by myself did about 4 hrs waiting during surgery etc . I was calm - so was my mom too before surgery . A miracle for both of us 

When I heard " code blue " being called on a nearby operating room I lost it for a few mins but other than that was ok . And my mom was a trooper . I think lately we have had so much crisis to deal with - that it's all just building up a ton of resilience in us both . Like two cupcakes - calm and cool and collected Is it possible ?

Believe it or not, hubby and I switched at hospital three times today as I had to give two courses . One early morning and one at 8:30pm tonight . And then two early tomorrow morning . Surgery time was selected only two weeks ago and clearly not based on my work schedule !  Hubby and I and Beauty worked it out though and got it all covered . They are there now with my sweet mommy and just sent a pic that I won't dare post to the Internet as all face is bruised and huge scar and not looking yet like the mom we know . I love the pic personally, but she likely does not 

I am just so thankful that she can smile and use her mouth and her eyes!!! . I ran in intensive care for 5 mins by convincing a male nurse to let me in and he sneaked me in and told her he had a surprise for her . She was so happy to see me . And me see her ! Not much in this world makes me happier than seeing my mom ok 

No other news as about to give this training course now . The adrenaline pumping through my veins is pretty scary . I will get all the news in a couple of hrs when hubby and beauty get home . Right now they are talking to the nurses and stuff 

On days like this when we actually get good news ? Feels damn amazing to be honest . Lately I don't expect good news ... So when it happens I just feel like it's a sweet miracle 

Still a few weeks ahead of recovery as all of this is complicated by my mom's mild brain injury three years now - so right side of head is a bit of a mess  already ( a lot of a mess actually !) but we will take that . Just glad she is out of surgery . And glad that I can stay at her house for a bit and take care of my mama 

Although my work schedule around this has been a bit crazy - I am so thankful that I still have the type of work I have and can often be there and be flexible to take care of the ones I love through these turbulent times . And that my husband has that flexibility too . It's makes for a good team 

Yay mama bear !
And thanks to all the big group of people who were texting today for news . Makes all the difference in the world to us both to feel love and supported 

Sunday, February 05, 2017

A Perfectly Imperfect Day

A perfect imperfect day 

It's Bears 17 bday today !!!
( will be writing his bday blog later this week when I have access to pictures )

So was kinda gonna be a not so perfect bday as has been a not so great overall month around here.  Also his dad can't be here this weekend as at a very important three day  training course that he could not miss . And his Didi was supposed to come for weekend here at cottage but she is having surgery Wednesday and not feeling the best so we decided not best timing to come .
So me and by three chickadees ! At the cottage 

Last night picked up beauty from hip hop and came here late and we all completely crashed . Some of us in beds and some on couches .
Got up early this morning and took my bday boy to breakfast and then drove him to his job as a ski monitor 
Then spent afternoon with Chase who has not been to cottage in 4 weeks ao that was a total treat . We skated together and went out for a yummy lunch and talked about my family history in my dads side and our famous artist aunt  ( his great aunt )

Then got bear and came home to beauty . On the way back chase stopped at drive thru and pretended to get himself something but was for Bear bday . I have never seen Bear as happy as when his big brother  handed him that box of tidbits . Sometimes it's the little gestures in life that make so much difference isn't it ?

And then we get home and Beauty is baking up a storm . We assume for bear bday but no a  such luck -cake in a cup just for her !! ( but I know there is a surprise she has thought up for later for her brother as she told me  )

Anyways so far a really wonderful day 
I am so incredibly grateful for weekends . They are like batteries to me where I recharge . So happy I love winter too as makes it so fun in the snow and something to look forward to on weekends 

While kids studied I fell asleep on the couch and read my book for a couple of hrs . Then we eat our yummy meal and beauty baked Tristan a huge humungous cookie so we had no room left for the chocolate fondue and fruits we bought so we will eat at lunch tomrorow after bears ski job

🎺(Sunday's at the cottage are the best as bear takes the 4 by 4 so I sleep in and then he is home usually minutes before I get out of bed at noon and so We always make a nice yummy lunch for us all and eat it at the counter by candlelight )

So a great day .By tonight I really felt my hubby and my mom not here though . Felt very off and odd and some sadness Despite  that we had a great celebration . More on my 17 yr old boy this week !

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Lessons I Learnt Today

I so do not want to write a blog right now . 
The only reason I am is because it is January 31 and there is a big sale on  blog books and my husband prints one every year for valentines and reminds me constantly that  my Jan 31 closing blog better be good and meaningful 

So I always listen to  what is asked of me . As usually I am the asker .

Secondly- there  is a lesson so big today that I have learnt - that as depressed as I am right now I know I have to write it down before it disappears 

My lesson ? Surrender . Surrender . Surrender . And accept that you don't have control over SHIT girl ( but ps thanks for 45 years of trying )
The only thing you have control over is you reaction , your perspective , what you do with its all and your grace .

No amount of wishing , praying and negotiating will change an outcome of what is . Your actions are extremely important and your choices -that is for certain -but in the end all you have control over is how gracefully you can accept what is or overcome it . And that choice ? Will never be taken away from you . You are the boss of your brain 

Today Beauty went for what we were almost positive was her last Shriners hospital appt . Sure she will have them yearly in her life but not the heart racing , sweat inducing sit on your chair type anymore . She was supposed to be out of brace 6 months ago and since grew 1.1mm (  you read right not cm .. mm ) she had to wear it for 6 more months . After 28, 300 hrs of wearing a brace - 6 months was an eternity for her 

But she did it .

And this was supposed to be just a routine check up to confirm no more growth - and to confirm brace off .

I knew the second I saw the surgeons face that this was not the case . She had stopped growing as predicated but her curve shot up to 43 degrees from 37 degrees which is completely unexpected at end of growth placing her in the .00001  percent of scoliosis curves that continue to progress at a rapid rate beyond end of growth and a case that will need to be closely monitored yearly for the rest of her life 

And of course - a possible candidate for spinal fusion surgery . A surgery we have done everything to avoid for three years and which was 6 months ago declared only a slight possibility will be back on the table for years to come as a possibility 

So there we go .
So no brace ? Excellent news ? 43 degrees and 5 degree worsening in 6 months end of growth ? Not so much .

Since Jan 9 2017 - the day I got back from a wonderful amazing relaxing cottage Xmas vacation my whole word has turned upside down . Without explaining it all lets just say that my husband has a critical health issue that we thought he was out of the woods of  and it not . It has been hard , dramatic , has taken every ounce of strength and energy out of both of us over the last three weeks to get through this . 
I will write about it one day . That is for sure as it is a massive part of who I am right now and what are family is going through .

And my mom found out 2 weeks ago that she is having a very important major surgery next week completely unrelated to any of her other massive  daily health issues . She will have a tumour removed from  her neck which will leave a huge scar and have very important risks which I don't want to write on this blog as my kids read it . Never mind that this all could increase her already daily post concussion  headaches and pain which she deals with daily for three plus years .
I will be taking care of her as her only child 

Today when we did not have the news we expected -I felt myself slither into a dark dark hole with what felt like no room to come up for air . I felt hopeless and helpless . Which I am .

I also heard a whisper far off in my head somewhere that asked  me to live the lesson vs just hearing it logically . That there is a lesson in life I need to learn and that today was the day I would fully fully learn it and embrace it's very inconvenient truth 

And it wasn't a whisper about just Beauty's situation .. It was a whisper about my marriage , my husband , my mothers bad health and upcoming surgery .It was a whisper about my life and everyone else's life around me. 

And it Said : 
Surrender to what it . 
Life will be the author of it's own story
Accepting it all is the only way 
Stop trying to fix it 
It is not yours to fix 
Faith is a great feeling-but not reality as we all know in our hearts
Bad things happen to good people

I have always known this . I have come so far with this over so many years , one baby step at a time . Slowly but surely . But today I knew for sure - that life will happen as it wishes to play out . 

For everyone . And for me . 

I lost a lot of faith over the last few weeks . But I gained a lot of perspective and maturity .  I grew up more in these three weeks than I have in a lifetime.

Hopefully in  full surrender I will find full freedom too .

Saturday, January 21, 2017

The Scar is Starting to Heal

I have a scar on my body- very tiny that i got a year ago. Over the last year it remains and won't fade. Its presence bothers me . Yesterday i noticed it is starting to heal and fade.

I guess time really does heal . I will always have that scar - but it has faded.

I feel like that is the story of my life . Hurt and healing. Scar and fading . I have always said that this blog is where i share it all . The good and bad and all in between , but if i am honest i dont share everything . Not even close . Mostly for privacy and respect of others, but also for myself too. Just like my scar- i am not fully there yet . I know i will be one day... but its not today

I want to talk about my daughter today. That has been another scar in so many ways. A joy scar. So much pain between she and i in the past for so many years. So much love and pride , so different than the experiences i have had with her two brothers at the same ages where there was so much open communication and whose adolescences thus far have been smooth sailing.

I have worked tirelessly on my relationship with my daughter . So has she in so many ways . In the last year i have seen so many changes , in the last months so much more , in the last weeks i have never gained so much respect for a human being, and in the last days it just all feels so familiar and " normal" teenage eye rolling vs alienation
I have craved that for so long. No promises it will all stay but i have seen it - i have seen HER .

And ? I am completely smitten

I am overflowing with love
For her courage on jan 9 2017 for hours and hours
For her talking and laughing at the table with her family
For the inside jokes she shares with her brothers
For all the expensive clothes she  works for and saves up for and buys herself
For her brothers borrowing all their sisters clothes
For her commitment to hip hop and the fact that she refuses to miss an hour ever
For her recent desire and passion to become a lawyer as a career
For her passion for the homeless and less fortunate
For all the volunteering  she does this winter every weekend
For her getting called this morning to over as a paid ski instructor because of her hard work !
For her sweet love of the boys she loves
For her sharing that sweet love with me
For her realizing her own power and capability on jan 9 2017
For all of us around her realizing it to
For her ability to set us all free
To set herself free

My profound love and respect my darling girl . I am so very sorry that it has taken so long to get here . I am so sorry that you may or may not have been used as scapegoat for bigger problem saving nothing to do with you . I hope things stay in the way they have been the last few weeks and built on that deep foundation. I love you fiercely and forever

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

I can't wish you Happy Birthday this year

Some birthdays are better than others . 
Some are a wonderful
Others are desperately hard
Some are painfully hard yet have moments of ridiculously beautiful all mixed in one
Was such a break to have the beautiful time for those few hrs 
To just forget and be together

2017 can only get better at this point..... At least that is a comfort

We all have our story

Declaring your TRUST is not a guarantee that everything will work out the way you want however the fact that you actually declare your TRUST means from this moment forward (  try your very hardest ) to forgive you for any wrong doing in the past, and trust you going forward. 

The other person now has to step into your TRUST as well and be who he or she needs to be and do what he  or she needs to do to honor that privilege of TRUST that you bestowed him or her 

To say you are partners in life and having never given your TRUST means something was missing to elevate the relationship to a TRUSTED PARTNERSHIP.

It is risky business to TRUST anyone let alone someone who has violated your TRUST. By declaring your TRUST he or she he now has to confront where he or she does not TRUST himself and build that up for himself or herself 

It is unquestionably painful and the easiest thing is to make him  or her and less than a real whole person and walk the hell away. (which is what most people do) That is one option. If that moves, touches and inspires you and then do that however it is past based as are all options.

To create a new context for your relationship starting with the love you already have - plus TRUST- then another future is possible to emerge that your other  options would never make possible

Robert Shereck (probably the smartest kindest person on earth- that I get to be nutured by)
Legacy Transformation

It is one thing to declare tour trust . But to do it in front of your children?
It is  is a whole other ballgame 
Many couples doesn't ever get that " opportunity "
They don't need it 
Or want it 
I guess we are lucky?Is this what luck feels like?

these three are our pride and joy

Happy birthday 

This is Us

Saturday, January 07, 2017

Voices. Getting Louder

I have always heard the expression of " listen carefully to the little whispers in your head and life"

And i have very largely ignored my whispers most of my life
I have even ignored the wise speeches about how important the whispering is in life

Especially as it relates to career and my passion around it ( or lack of passion in some cases )
I have ignored who i fundamentally am in many ways in order to be what i feel is right or needed and feels good

Lately there is a lot of whispering going on in my head . A lot
Its almost shouting at me
I am excited to clue myself in
To listen
To listen to the side of my brain that is not rational
And let it lead me to other places
The places where they whisper
A whole new place for me